It's finally 2016 and I'm about to turn 22 soon. I took a three week vaycay from the end of December to celebrate Christmas with my family in Taiwan and recently came back. During the time I was there in Taiwan, I spent a lot of time thinking about my past and how I've grown as a person--The meaning of my life and figuring out what I want to do with my future.
I realized that when I was younger, I was much more positive about many different things. I believed that I was a strong, young girl and nothing could ever get in my way. But growing up and seeing many different point of views in life, I started to become more and more negative towards a lot of things. Last year, I was so negative towards myself and how I am, that I became kind of depressed. I felt that, I can't do this, I can't do that, I can't do that as well as other people can do that. I just kept comparing myself with others and it started making me more down than ever.
Being so negative over the past few years, I realized that I got more and more angry. I bottle anger up in myself, and when I can't take it anymore, I tend to explode. I try to explain myself in yelling or screaming, but to others, all they can hear is just me yelling and screaming. I felt that when I was trying to explain something, it was pretty valid, but no one would listen. I wondered why for the longest time, and my mom told me, that when you want to explain something, "Don't yell, don't scream." No one would listen to someone when they're on a rampage. All they would see, is someone being crazy.
People around me often tell me not to compare myself with others, but growing up as an Asian, our parents compare their children with other smarter children and they want their kids to be inspired by them and become like them... And I know now, not to compare myself with others, but it was really hard. I also, would often get pushed around by others, and when people accuse me of doing something that I did not do, I just take it because I felt that there was no need in talking back and explaining myself to them when they already have come to a conclusion that it was my fault. I felt kind of trapped and I hated the feeling of being pushed around and being accused of doing something that I did not do.
So, during the time I was away, I started grabbing ahold of pieces of myself and putting them back together. I made myself a list in my mind, kind of like a new years resolution, of how to become a better me.
- Seeing myself becoming so negative, I want to tell myself not to think of negative things anymore. Anything negative that comes to my mind, I will remove. No talking crap about anything--just let it go, no complaining about anything--just do it, don't let something small piss me off--just ignore it, reckless drivers that cut me off, don't signal, or piss me off--don't get mad over it anymore because it's probably just how they drive.
- When someone accuses me of doing something or anything that's in doubt, don't be afraid to speak my mind.
- When I'm angry or pissed and want to explain to someone why I'm so mad--don't yell, don't scream. Take a deep breath and think about what I want to say before speaking my mind.
- I also want to learn more. Because, life is full of lessons. And by doing so, I want to read more. Any words that I don't understand and can't pronounce, I want to not be lazy and look them up. Write them down and learn from it.
- Learn to say "NO" to the things I don't want to do and not feel guilty about it afterwards.
This will be a big step for me, but in order to become a better person--a person that I will feel comfortable walking in my own skin--I will remind myself to do these things every day.